I’ve been thinking a lot about what a New Year, hello world, post would look like. I feel like there is so much pressure for all of this New-Year-new-me stuff. Which I think is partially why last year I went to Jamaica and scattered my dad’s ashes. Probably hoping it would tip me into the next stage of my grief. And it did to a degree. Returning his remains to his land and his favourite place - the water. And doing so with my brothers was a really special and important moment.
But it also wasn’t something that was going to magically rid me of my feelings. And I think that in many ways the first Xmas, the first New Year, the first birthday without my dad felt a whole lot easier than this year.
I found in the run up to Xmas, the pain of him not being here, it’s really starting to sink in. I’ve cried most days, I’ve felt a lot most days and I felt it though my body. I’ve had periods where it was like I was reverting to where I had been when he was ill. When I was pre-empting his loss. Or in the first moments after he died.
It’s an unbearable feeling, where the pain is present in your chest. It’s not just an emotional thing, it’s a full body physical sensation. A pain that lives deep in your gut, or for me, deep in my chest. Sometimes it felt akin to anxiety. Every time a new wave of grief would hit me, it felt as though it was unlikely that I’d move through it. I know that I will though, because I have before, but in those moments it feels impossible and so painful.
I suppose when it comes to reflecting on the start of the year, and what that should look like, I think there’s no way it should look. I think it needs to look like me being gentle with myself.
I was speaking with a friend, a very wise friend, about rather than creating a list of things that she must do in 2024 - she’s making a list that she would like to do. Sort of like a bucket list. A list of the things that are going to make her happy, rather than a list which will put her or her body under pressure. A list which is rooted in joy rather than judgement.
Given the intensity of emotion that I have been feeling these past couple of weeks, not to mention the devastation that exists all over the globe, it didn’t really feel like Xmas this year. I was hoping to be able to ignore the fact that it was Xmas and I think my family were feeling similar. Not in the sense of us not wanting to get together, that’s always a pleasure, but in terms of the pressure I think that these moments can often bring.
So my New Year's reflection is more of a call for me to be understanding and to be gentle with myself. To be more patient and more compassionate. And to move into this year allowing myself the space and time to process the things that I need to.
Some of you will know I’ve been working on a second novel. A big part of that explores the themes of grief, of longing, and of loss. But also of heartache and of joy. Last year I spoke with my publisher and got an extension because it’s something that I still am working through. Something that I need to make sense of for myself before I can translate it to others. I think the process of writing is massively going to help me move through that pain and feeling.
So, this is a reminder to myself, and hopefully a reminder to you, to be gentle and not feel like you have to step into the ‘New Year new me’ idea and era if it doesn’t suit you. Or at least to try and rethink what that might look and feel like.
Lots of love,
Liv x
<3
Sending love