"I’m writing from the land of postmenopause. That place where we’re nonsexual, apolitical, finished"
Writer, theatremaker and psychotherapist Stella Duffy on studying, creativity and fighting the narrative around ageing
Hello Liv’s Substack readers.
I’m writing from the land of postmenopause. That place where we’re nonsexual, apolitical, finished. Because that’s the story, right? Menopause = The End. It’s a story rooted in capitalism, racism, and patriarchy, in the belief that once our bodies are no longer fertile, we’re redundant.
I learned this the hard way with my first cancer at 36. Chemotherapy brought menopause and infertility, and I felt I aged twenty years overnight. I was raised working class, I’m queer, out for over 40 years, and in a mixed-ethnicities relationship for more than 30 years. I’ve been a writer and theatremaker for decades, and in my training as a psychotherapist – having never trained for anything before, no money, no time – I focused my research on learning from others in postmenopause.
I’m the first in my family to finish secondary school, let alone go to university, so starting a doctorate at 55 was brilliant and terrifying. I found support in the experience of my research participants who self-describe as Black, mixed other, White/Creole, white other, Welsh British, white British, straight, heterosexual, lesbian, lesbian-bi-queer, disabled, non-disabled, living with a health condition, working class, middle class. They are mothers, not-mothers, a stepmother, a grandmother, single, partnered. They are all working, two part-time.
What they told me was not the prevailing narrative. Yes, they described difficult times physically, emotionally, psychologically, but they also described blossoming – growing into who and how they dreamed they might be.
Paddy looked inwards, “I feel really in tune with my intuition. I feel a lot wiser. I feel like I know what’s going on around me.”
Gina welcomed her changing body, “Even though it’s changed with menopause, I’ve still got a really nice body. It’s become more voluptuous, and I’ve got real tits for the first time.”
Élina talked about being herself, everywhere, “At work, I call out anything with a smile on my face. This person that I am at home, that’s who I am at work, for the first time in my life. That’s the change – being your future self.”
Joy built on her youth for perspective – and action – in menopause, “I grew up in the 60s and 70s, and as much as there’s racism now, racism back then was rough, back then it was in – your – face. Things like that made me stronger because it didn’t stop me. It’s about how much you let life take you down or how much you embrace it, learn from it – and do something about it.”
Dora said, “I probably feel more myself, now that I am no longer fertile, than perhaps I ever did. It was very much that my body wasn’t my own. It’s taken a long time for me to feel like this is mine. Part of the joy of what goes on for me now – it’s mine.”
They didn’t pretend that ageing in an ageist culture was easy, Maggie said, “It’s a lot of different things but they’re all connected in terms of, as older women, what we should be doing is shutting the fuck up and, you know – knitting.”
Grace rejoiced in renewed sexual desire, “I didn’t expect that I would become sexually interested again. Or that there would be opportunities to do anything about that. Because that’s part of the image of older women, isn’t it? That they’re not interested in sex. And even if they were, who would want them? Well, it turns out, other women in their sixties.”
Above all, they used the transition to explore who they might become, on their own terms. Rita said, “When I was younger, I was very shy, a people pleaser, I hated the thought of not being liked. That’s long gone. I do feel wiser. I’m not taking the shit anymore, I think I’ve earned it.”
This work has encouraged me to explore my internalized ageism. I’m not there yet, but having spent the past four years delving into the possibilities of the menopausal transition, I trust that I’m creatively becoming even more me in this final phase of ageing and life. Right now, psychotherapy feels like all my creative work joined up – above all, it is supporting people to tell the stories they want to tell, about themselves, for themselves. I’m running a workshop in May in Peckham (yes, the setting for Liv’s delicious Rosewater) and welcome you to join me in creatively dreaming the possibilities of your menopause and postmenopause.
Here’s a link to the workshop: Creative Postmenopause Workshop
My blog writing and other creative stuff and therapy site
https://stelladuffytherapy.co.uk
Or you can find me here:
Insta - @stellduffy & @stelladuffytherapy
Twitter - @stellduffy
You’re welcome to be in touch,
Stella x
How lucky are we to have Dr Stella holding a torch to light a way into our futures. Great writing, thank you.