Going for a run prevented my anxiety from taking over
Going for a run allowed my mind and body to meet
My solution to countering my grief and the sadness accompanying it over the past couple of weeks has been to socialise, socialise - go out, have fun and shake my bum. And while I've felt good in the moment and had a lovely time spending time with friends, my anxiety has continued to grow - duh! Going out can't alleviate the pain, and, honestly, the after-effects of partying and drinking heighten those anxious feelings in the following days.
I've been struggling to find the place that feels just right, sometimes feeling like I'm pretending to be the me that existed before my dad died. Before the never-ending socialising, I tried staying in and indulging in wholesome activities, but that also wasn't enough to counteract the tightness that has been living in my heart and chest. The reality is that I'll probably be sad and a little less functional than I ordinarily am for a while and that the balance of things will feel a little off, and this is a continuous process of figuring out what feels good.
Living in the pretence of being okay isn't helpful for anyone, but after my dad's loss, I felt a lot like I needed to find peace with the reality that he is no longer here. To prove that I am, in fact, okay. I would intellectualise his death: he was suffering, and therefore, it was better for him to go; not everyone has a kind, compassionate and present dad; I should be grateful moments we shared. All of these things can be true, but it's also okay to be angry and upset that he is no longer with me, and pretending that this grief thing makes sense or that I'm the Liv that came before doesn't make it feel any better.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to the feels to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.