Dear all the friends I've fallen in love with

Here's the letter I shared at Sex Talks on Valentines Day

Last week, on Valentine's Day, a friend invited me to write and share a letter to an important woman in my life, so naturally, I wrote to all the friends I’ve ever fallen in love with (there have been quite a few). Emma runs Sex Talks, a conversation series exploring friendship, sex and relationships and tickets for her next event, Clit Fest, can be found here.

Dear [all the friends I've fallen in love with],

It wasn't until meeting you that I realised it's possible for my love for them to run as deep as the romantic loves in my life. I've learnt that it's possible to become utterly obsessed with friends and feel the physical sensation of heartache when those relationships end.

In my early twenties, something was intoxicating about making new girlfriends. I don't know if it was that I was in a relationship of five years with a boy I didn't want to fuck or the fact that women, generally speaking, are magic, but I would find myself fantasising about getting with a handful of my female friends. It's an awful thing, really, because that's what people expect of lesbians - at school, people (myself included) would always assume that the queers were watching all the girls in the changing rooms. You know, longing to be with them, which was, of course, bullshit. Your queer best friend doesn't necessarily fancy you, she might, but it's not a given. People really do think a LOT of themselves. 

What was it then about this particular period in my life? Seven years before this moment, at the end of university, I had fallen head over heels in love with a girl called Portia. It was probably because she was one of the few bisexual girls I knew. I don't know what else it could have been because she wasn't particularly nice to me (or anyone), and she almost certainly was stringing my best friend and me along. At that point, being queer wasn't seen as a 'thing' in my circle - especially not as a woman. It was either HOT, a fantasy for the boys or not taken seriously.

I tried for many years to bury these parts of myself - not because I thought it was wrong but because it didn't seem to be the 'thing to do'. 

At the end of university, I discovered a lot more about myself and the possibilities of how I could show up in the world. I loved my boyfriend at the time, but I was never that into him beyond our friendship. I thought maybe I was broken - that there was something wrong with me or how my body responded to sex, which is why when I started to make deep female friendships at this period in my life and the intense excitement I felt confused me.

I know now that I was crushing on my friends in (mostly) a non-sexual, non-romantic way but at the time, the amount of time I wanted to spend with them and the attraction I felt towards how they moved through the world confused me. When we'd spend the night together, I hope that for a minute, we might kiss or experience a moment of closeness. They would never have known - at the time, I was far too uncomfortable in my skin and would never have initiated anything.

But when I look back, I think about how easily the lines between our love for our friends and our love for our partners can blur - particularly as someone who is mainly attracted to women. It's forced me to think about the weight we place upon romantic vs platonic love and how the latter is just as (if not more) important. They provide different things.

I love my friends deeply and I value their bonds just as much as the love I've shared with romantic partners. Beyond the initial attraction, there is something dynamic and enduring about my relationships with other women, and it's been that way throughout my life.

So what would I say to me seven years ago? Yes, you probably are a bit gay. No, very gay, but the intensity with which you're falling in love with your friends is fine too. These might be friendships that fizzle out or ones that linger for years to come - either way - enjoy it. Enjoy the dizzying experience of falling in love in whatever form it might take.

And on that note, I'd like to say thank you for the great friendship loves in my life (past and present).

If you’d like to see me speak about Rosewater grab tickets to this exciting event I’m doing with Fane Productions.

Liv Little x